


I Hope You Don’t Mind (That I Put Down in Words)

by LakeYarina



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Engagement, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Abuse, Recovery, Slight Hurt/Comfort, Therapy, proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:02:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24365500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LakeYarina/pseuds/LakeYarina
Summary: When Sonny had mentioned it to Amanda she had told him “When you know, you’ll know”. But now while he knew it was time, he had absolutely no idea what to actuallydo.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 61
Collections: Marriage Barisi Bingo





	I Hope You Don’t Mind (That I Put Down in Words)

**Author's Note:**

> this was written while listening to Elephant Love Medley from the Broadway cast of Moulin Rouge.
> 
> tw for mention of past domestic and child abuse

Sonny turned his attention from his laptop when he heard the office door creak open, smiling when he laid his eyes on Rafael, who was standing in the doorway in pajama pants and one of his Fordham law shirts. The ADA’s smile faded however, when he glanced at the clock and realized how late it was. Rafael stepped inside and laughed when Sonny made grabby hands at him, stepping into the other man’s arms and wrapping his arms around his neck. 

“I know you have a lot to finish, but I just wanted to see you before I went to bed.” Rafael said, Sonny pouting and sitting up a little straighter to press his lips to Rafael’s. The kiss deepened, but Rafael pulled back, fishing around in his pocket before pulling out a folded up piece of paper and pressing it into the other man’s hands. Sonny looked between the paper and Rafael, eyebrows pulled together.

“It’s not a breakup letter if that’s what you’re thinking,” He started, and paused when Sonny started to unfold it, putting a hand over his to stop him. “When I leave.” He said softly and Sonny nodded, tossing it onto his desk and leaning in for another kiss before letting Rafael go. He let the door close before picking the paper back up, and unfolding it completely.

_Sonny,_

_I’ve been talking with my therapist about how I want to talk to you about my past, and be as open with you as you have been with me. Since the idea of saying everything out loud feels so jarring she suggested I write it down. And I thought that was good idea._

Swallowing back tears. He knew, though just vaguely, that this was something he was working on. And the knowledge of just how hard this step was for him made Sonny want to put off reading the rest of the letter to go hold Rafael and never let go. But he had to finish the letter before he did that, if for no other reason than to honor Rafael’s progress.

_My father physically and verbally abused my mother for as far back as I can remember, and when I was about six he threw me into the mix as well. He broke my wrist, made me bust my head open, and permanently fucked up my shoulder among other things. When he died my mother and I had him cremated, put his ashes in a trashcan, and set it on fire. I feel guilty about that at times, and like it was wrong of us to let our grudge towards him continue on past death. That’s another thing I am working on with my therapist, who is great if you hadn’t already gathered that much._

_I never told my father I was gay but he knew, which contributed to a lot of the abuse as I got older. The wrist breaking incident was spurred by him catching me with a boy when I was sixteen. And how he treated my mother, regrettably, contributed to my first attempts at serious intimate relationships as an adult. My abuela was great but my abuelo died before I was born so the only relationship that I saw modeled for me growing up was my parents, and in a twisted way I thought that was normal. That didn’t manifest in me hurting other people, but in getting myself into situations like that of my mother’s. Not all of them were incredibly awful, but the last one was. He went to jail for three years and I have a restraining order against him. His name is Kendrick, and he was my last relationship before you._

Sonny was fully crying now, wiping his eyes with his sleeve as a few stray tears landed on the notebook paper in his lap. He had his suspicions about Rafael’s father, based on his reaction to certain cases that went through SVU, but he had, perhaps idealistically, never so much briefly considered his relationships with other men before him. Rafael had never brought the topic up, so it had never crossed his mind to ask. And while the mental images of what his father must have done made his blood boil, the idea of Rafael being hurt by a romantic partner made him want to vomit. Sighing sadly with another longing look towards the door, Sonny kept reading.

_Kendrick was my breaking point and after so much mess I thought a relationship just wasn’t for me. I convinced myself that everyone that I ever developed feelings for would only turn out like my father. But then I met you. When I met you I realized that the lies I had been telling myself were just that, lies. My therapist recently referred to you as the happy ending I didn’t think I deserved and I agree completely. You’re the best person that ever happened to me. I love you so much. So much more than I’ll ever be able to express on paper or out loud._

_Yours,_

_Rafael_

Carefully folding the letter back up, Sonny opened his desk drawer, setting the paper down in it and digging around the drawer until he found where he had put the ring box he had recently obtained. Just a little over a month ago he had asked Olivia to prod Rafael about where his head was on that topic of marriage, and when she relayed it back to him that Rafael had confessed to her that he knew he was going to marry Sonny, he went out and bought a ring. It was a simple silver band with a diamond encrusted into the center, and 9-24-14, the date they met, engraved on the inside. Sonny opened the box to look at it, wiping his face with a tissue this time instead of his sleeve before sticking it in his pocket and walking out of his office down the hallway to their room. When he opened the door Rafael was sitting up on the side of their bed scrolling through his phone with the lights on, clearly having been waiting up for Sonny. 

“Thought you going to sleep.” Sonny said softly and Rafael looked up from his phone with a nervous smile, shrugging. “Knew there was no way you would actually stay in your office after you read all of that.” He said, and Sonny laughed. They knew each other too well. 

Nodding and resigning to silence, Sonny racked his brain for how exactly he was planning on proposing, something he admittedly hadn’t put as much thought into as he probably should have. When he mentioned it to Amanda a few weeks ago she had told him “When you know, you’ll know”. But now while he knew for certain that it was the right time, he had absolutely no idea what to actually _do._

“Well I’m glad you didn’t pass out, because there’s actually something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” He tried, Rafael giving him a skeptical look. Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, Sonny padded over to in front of where Rafael was sitting, and after a brief moment of psyching himself up, got down on one knee. Rafael let him take both of his hands into his own, the lump forming in his threat rendering him speechless. 

“Sonny,” He barely got out as he watched him pull the ring box out of his pocket, Sonny giving him an affirmative smile as he launched into the spiel he had thought up in the last thirty seconds. “You’re my happy ending too, which is why I got this ring a month ago after I sent Liv to pick your brain about if you’d say yes if I asked.” He said and Rafael cracked a smile, shaking his head, “I knew you sent her, but I wanted to let you surprise me.” He mumbled, his voice cracking as he chuckled lightly through tears. Sonny flashed a grin, tilting his head. “Surprised now?” He said, Rafael laughing again, this time at how nervous Sonny was. Bless his heart, he probably hadn’t even thought to chug a bottle of Pepto Bismol like he did before court some (most) days. 

“I love you more than anything Rafael. You’re my best friend, my soulmate and the absolute love of my life.” Sonny continued, moving one of his hands away to actually open the ring box. “Will you marry me?” He asked, Rafael opening and closing his mouth without any words coming out. He tried again, only this time what came out was a choked back sob. 

Sonny knew this was a “good cry”, but set the ring on their bedside table and got on the bed anyways, wrapping his arms around Rafael and holding him as tightly as he had wanted to after the first paragraph of the letter. They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Rafael pulled back and took a deep breath, glancing at the ring box before looking back at Sonny. 

“You gonna put the ring on my finger or what?” He said and Sonny laughed, glad to see his snark coming through in spite of how emotional he was. Grabbing the ring box, he held back for a moment, prompting Rafael to raise an eyebrow. “You haven’t actually said yes yet.” Sonny said and Rafael huffed, rolled his eyes as he tugged him in for a kiss, cupping his face in his hands. He grinned as he pulled back, running a thumb over the other man’s jaw. “Yes Sonny, of course I’ll marry you.” Rafael said, pulling away to watch Sonny slip the ring onto his finger. 

“I need to wash my face so we can send a photo to Olivia.” He said through sniffles as he looked between Sonny and his ring. Getting up, he gave his fiancé another kiss before walking out into the hallway to the bathroom. 

Knowing Rafael needed a moment alone Sonny didn’t follow, instead using the time to change into pajamas and go back into the office to turn the lights off. Rafael snuck up behind him when he was walking back into their room, wrapping his arms around his waist. Sonny hummed softly, smiling at the glint of metal now shining on Rafael’s hand.  
-  
The pair took a few cheesy photos to send to the squad and post on Facebook before getting into bed, Rafael resting back on Sonny as he responded to everyone reacting to their announcement. Sonny ran a gentle hand up and down his arm, letting Rafael reply to one more comment before speaking up. 

“Thanks for the letter by the way, it meant a lot to me that you found a way to share all of that.” He said. Locking his phone and setting it down, Rafael scooted a little closer back into Sonny. 

“She, my therapist, wants me to work towards being able to talk about it out loud with you. I know I don’t have to, and that you wouldn’t make me. But I want to, eventually.” He said without turning around, Sonny pressing a kiss to his hair and squeezing his forearm. 

”Well now it doesn’t matter how long it takes.” He said softly. “You have me forever.” Sonny continued, bringing his hand down to intertwine his fingers with Rafael’s left hand and running a thumb over his ring. Rafael decided he could respond to the rest of his distant relative’s “¡FELICIDADES RAFI!” comments on Facebook tomorrow, leaning back and pressing a kiss to the side of his _fiancé’s_ face, something the Rafael of ten years ago never thought would be in the cards for him. 

“Yeah, I do.” 

**Author's Note:**

> this was based off an answer to askreedit “when did you know you were going to marry them?” question that OFC can’t find now that i want to link it, but i’ll update it when i do! i read that person’s story and immediately thought it sounded like something that our boys would do.
> 
> i live for comments! find me on twitter @fourdayshome!


End file.
